Foolproof Usage 3: Handyman is Handy
One cannot deny the rugged mechanic's appeal amongst the female population. After all, handymen represent the greatest cause of extramarital affairs right after alcohol and Christmas bonuses. In dealing with single women, though, handyman is arguably the most effective moniker a desperate gamer can adopt.
He steals your women, and cliched video game quotes!
Now if your mix of technical jargon and excessive alliteration doesn't have her lunging at you in wild passion, boot up Wii Fit, but act like the Balance Board needs fixing first. Apply your handyman skills (i.e. pretend to tinker with the board while you really just replace the batteries), say, "Thank goodness my dear father bequeathed his amazing mechanical skills to me before passing from this Earthly realm," and enjoy rounding second base. Make sure she's not married!
Foolproof Usage 4: Combating Contradictions
Women, it seems, took celebrated American poet Walt Whitman too literally when he said in Leaves of Grass, "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself." One can hear the woman bemoaning the lack of sensitivity in men these days, just before she remarks about the "hawt" factor inherent to the muscular meatbag who just winked at her. This is a real problem - at least until the Balance Board comes along.
How can anyone compete with this guy? Honestly?
Follow up your show of strength and grace by explaining how the poetry is an extension of your sensitive soul; the board, a physical manifestation of your expression, not to mention a metaphor for the beauty in all things - including plastic. Can't top that, meatbags!
Note: carving poetry into your Balance Board may void your warranty. Stealing thunder from meatbags may void your life.
Foolproof Usage 5: All for Brawl
So maybe you're not interested in a serious relationship right now; maybe you would settle for bearing witness to the eighth wonder of the world: a woman playing video games. Of course most reading this will hibernate until sometime around May following the release of Super Smash Bros. Brawl next week, and lose all care for humanity as a result, but Brawl and the Balance Board could be key to joining man's two greatest motivations (video games and women, for those who aren't following).
Two months of straight playing should be enough to leave most gamers sick of 4-player matches with 13-year-olds and their fascination with 'Net speak, and all of the back-logged testosterone should create a yearning for the opposite gender. But because two months of straight playing will only cover about 17% of what Brawl has to offer, one can't exactly step away.
Zelda may not be too happy with you leaving...
Despite the foolproof-ness of these techniques, I take no blame should they not work for you or result in painful kicks to your man-bits. After all, some people simply are not meant to reproduce, which is why we have video games featuring well-endowed women in the first place.
Have any other unorthodox uses for the Wii Balance Board? Share them on The Wiire boards!
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