Author's Note: the following piece is not suitable for those with weak constitutions or the inability to detect sarcasm. The Wiire assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading or if you miss the point.
Down here in Texas, spring is a time of flowers blooming, birds singing, bees buzzing, and all of those other metaphors people use as an excuse to procreate. However, I have noticed some trouble on the part of gamers gripped by the shimmering light of their computer screens in making good on these metaphors. Enter Foolproof, the savior of your genetic lineage.
In the January edition of Foolproof, I said that the true benefits of the Wii Balance Board would be revealed in a coming article, namely the one you're reading. With the North American release of Wii Fit locked on May 19, and the evolutionary failure of women to want unattractive, overweight men, gamers must take action now - but how? Fret not, my testosterone-infused brethren, for I present to you five foolproof ways of using Wii Fit's Balance Board for achieving your procreating destiny (and for any ladies reading this, a catalog of whom to pepper spray).
Foolproof Usage 1: It's All About Upper Body Strength
Rumor around the water cooler suggests that the six-month delay between the Japanese and North American release of Wii Fit relates to adjustments to the Balance Board, to hold more weight. This seems reasonable, considering the space ratio of three Americans to every one nation of Japan.
With all of that extra padding to the Balance Board, surely only the Arnold Schwarzeneggers of the world will be able to lift the peripheral from the box. Since female gorillas reproduce with powerful, dominant male gorillas, female humans can't be too much different. So call up those lovely ladies who rejected you last week after a rousing discussion of your Transformers action figure collection, gather them around your living room, plop "Eye of the Tiger" in the CD player and prove your upper body power!
Darn monkeys make it seem so easy.
Foolproof Usage 2: Show Me Your Moves!
Fact: the amount of times a guy steps on a girl's feet at a high school prom is negatively correlated to the amount of action seen afterwards. The ladies may mock you at school, goody two-shoes, but they'll swarm you on the dance floor if you can put your disparaging label to work.
Rather than order a bland Tango meal with a mundane side of Fox Trot from your local Dance-in-the-Box, invent your own sweet style using the Balance Board. Combine an aerobics program with a break dancing routine, to show how you can be both formalized and flexible - not to mention connect with the woman's fondness for staying skinny and listening to the rap music that objectifies her.
All of a sudden, I feel like visiting the copyright office.
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